The Hall of Fire

esteliel @ 2009-12-14T17:32:00

2009-12-14T16:34:07Z

My day so far: 5 MEFA reviews written, one RP post finished, one Knoppix CD burned, one sentence of the yuletide fic written.

I'll try and remedy the latter later today, but right now I'm waiting for my sister and Ü. to arrive, who has managed to destroy the harddrive of his notebook on which he has important files for work - without back-up. So either it's shell out 1000€ to have some lab try and recover the files, or hope that it's not a mechanical failure and that either the Knoppix live CD or one of the tools I've downloaded will work.

A Knoppix CD is something everyone should at home, btw. It's a basic version of Linux - and it will run from the CD. You don't need to install anything, just pop in the CD and you have a working OS with the basic neccessities like Firefox and Open Office. If you think you have a virus or a trojan, if you can't open a folder anymore or get strange bluescreens, if Windows refuses to work - just put in the CD and you can at least backup your files and try to find a way to salvage your system. :)

You can download the iso of the latest release here and burn the image to a CD, or if you are not quite sure how to do that, I think you can also order them from several websites for very little money. It's a very helpful thing to have around.

esteliel @ 2009-12-12T22:29:00

2009-12-12T21:29:55Z

Somehow I never really woke up today... I was looking forward to all the writing I'd be able to do today; instead I'm just fiddling with stuff I have already written, and despite three cups of coffee, I feel like crawling back into bed and doing nothing. At least I went and mailed a parcel and lots of cards today.

But we got the first snow of the year this evening. Not that it's staying long, it will all be gone tomorrow anyway.Still, I love watching it fall; it's so calming, and I could stare at the falling flakes for hours.

Your card arrived today, spiced_wine, thank you so much! *hugs*

Kiss Legolas Under the Mistletoe

2009-12-09T12:22:10Z

Thank you so much to whoever just bought me a paid account! :) Now I can go and upload lots of userpics again. *g*

And thank you so much for your card, mdarkdreamer! :)

Back due to popular demand: Kiss Legolas Under the Mistletoe! (I even put a sheet across his lap so that Glorfindel will not protest too much... ;))

ETA: The Mistletoe flash game doesn't seem to work, let's try this instead...

</lj-embed>

esteliel @ 2009-12-08T21:43:00

2009-12-08T20:43:24Z

Damn you, amazon, for feeding my unfortunate habit to collect things. *waves a fist*

I've just managed to snatch up three books on Tolkien by Walking Tree Publications that were reduced from 20€ to 3€ each - among them Tolkien And Modernity 1 which I had preordered at the library anyway, but which hasn't shown up yet, so yay. :) Of course, my shelves are weeping at the thought of yet more books...

I never admitted that I failed my November writing challenge, did I? I wrote 11 000 of the 15 000 I had hoped for - but I refuse to feel bad for it, as this still means that I wrote 3 chapters of CE when I usually manage only one per month. Of course, what I have also failed in is to continue that challenge - though somewhat modified - in December. Tomorrow I will start to once again force myself to write 500 words per day, otherwise I just know that I will wind up finishing my yuletide fic the day before the deadline, and I really don't want that stress this year when last month has shown me that it does work otherwise if I persevere.

esteliel @ 2009-12-06T17:32:00

2009-12-06T16:39:52Z

I hope everyone has a nice 2. Advent Sunday (and if St. Nicholas came to you, that he brought more than just a birch rod). Because I am evil like that, these are the results of my Christmas bakery:

A slice of my Christstollen with marzpian, which is just delicious, Vanillekipferl, Husarenkrapfen, Bethmännchen and Kokosmakronen. Mmmmmh so good! :)

esteliel @ 2009-12-06T13:20:00

2009-12-06T12:23:46Z

I signed up for slashy_santa again, because ~~I'm stupid~~ a deadline so soon after yuletide is exactly what I need, right?

And I haven't even started on my yuletide fic yet - only 15 days left! At least I finished re-reading my assigned fandom's source material yesterday, and once the big cup of coffee I'm drinking succeeds in waking me up, I'll try and get started on it.

St. Nicholas didn't come and visit me tonight... but at least my delicious Lindt advent calender had a chocolate Nicholas behind today's door, so I can bite off his head as punishment. I also have a little St. Nicholas' gift for you: More Legolas porn!

Legolas looks pretty pleased with himself... I'm wondering whether he was performing for his Lord, or just looking forward to the punishment he will receive for such disobedience? ;)

FIC: Cuil Eden 69/?

2009-12-02T12:25:34Z

Title: Cuil Eden
Part: 69/?
Rating: PG-13
Series: Sequel to Anestel and Ethuil'waew
Pairing: Glorfindel/Legolas
Contains: mpreg, bdsm
Disclaimer: The elves belong to Tolkien, the situations are mine.
Lots of thanks to my beta for her hard work!

69

Legolas turned to look at Haldir when Glorfindel and Ellonúr were swallowed by the darkness behind them, and the guard gave him a smile that might have been meant to be reassuring, but looked far more like a hungry leer. Or maybe that was only the mead...

Legolas bit his lip, wondering what he could possible talk about with Haldir which would not end up embarrassing or humiliating him, when the wind carried the sound of two voices to them. Glorfindel and Ellonúr... Should he pretend that he had not heard them, or ask Haldir to walk a few steps with him so that he would not listen to his Lord's conversation by accident?

Hesitantly, he looked at Haldir, his dilemma apparently all too plain on his face, for Haldir laughed and shrugged his shoulders. "If Glorfindel is fool enough not to care where his voice might carry, that is his problem."

The wind blew harder, playing with strands of their hair, and for a while all they could hear was the rustle of leaves, so that Legolas began to feel uncomfortable again at the silence between them.

"...not known very much of life, but that has never been a prerequisite for marriage,” they at last heard Glorfindel point out, and Legolas felt a wave of heat fill his belly at the emotion in his Lord's voice. Marriage... how strange it still felt to hear Glorfindel talk of it!

He looked at Haldir then, who smiled but cocked his head, apparently just as interested in the conversation as Legolas - and not just for salacious reasons, because Haldir wanted to learn more about the details of their relationship, but also because he would of course have reason to be curious about what Ellonúr would have to say. Legolas could not imagine them together, but then Haldir had never treated him the way he might treat a lover, so for all Legolas knew, Haldir might be an entirely different person when with Ellonúr.

"...Your little prince has no one in this world save for you now, and if he had not made himself love you, certainly he would have died long since...whatever you believe he feels for you is not something that has grown naturally."

Heat shot into Legolas' cheeks, yet it was the heat of shame this time. He lowered his eyes, afraid to let Haldir see his pain, or worse, see him cry - but then arms wrapped around him and pulled him close against a strong chest.

"On the other hand, there are some things no one should have to hear. Come, let us go." Haldir's voice was calm, and Legolas clung to his kindness as he allowed himself to be led up a looming set of stairs that led to another small pavilion hidden away in the night. Haldir released the curtain, and then they were truly alone, encased by darkness, and safe from the treacherous winds that might bring more unwanted secrets.

When Haldir drew him into his arms, Legolas allowed himself to weep at last, but only for a moment, then he drew back and angrily wiped at his tears. “I am sorry... I do not care what he says. I know that my Lord loves me!”

“Too much drink will do that,” Haldir said calmly and drew him down to sit on the settee. His arms were still wrapped around him, and though Legolas was certain that he should not do this, he relaxed into the guard's arms at last and rested his head on his shoulder while Haldir gently stroked his hair.

“Thank you,” Legolas said softly at last, and Haldir laughed.

“I am quite drunk myself, if you have not noticed,” he pointed out and bowed his own head against Legolas'.

“So over-indulgence makes you kind? I shall remember that.” There was a smile now in Legolas' voice, and Haldir chuckled.

"Do not think that you will get to take advantage of it again any time soon," he cautioned. "And if I hear any tales spreading about my mellow heart..."

"I would not dare!" Legolas reassured him, laughter banishing the earlier tears now.

Haldir moved his fingers through his hair with a sound of appreciation, then sighed. "Do not think that Ellonúr says those things out of cruelty, or dislike of you. He does not know you, but he does know Glorfindel - or used to, in any case. After what happened to him... Just like you, he needs reassurance. In fact, I dare say that he needs it in much the same way, though Glorfindel is probably more gentle with you than he ever was with him. Still, the truth is that Ellonúr has no claim to your Lord's heart. That was how it was between them before, and they both wanted it that way."

"I can understand that he misses my Lord," Legolas admitted softly. "I cannot imagine ever being without him..."

"And you need not imagine such a thing. I know your Lord; he will keep his promise and wed you, and you will not ever need to fear being rejected by him."

Legolas swallowed, lulled into greater security by the warmth of the mead spreading through his belly, as well as the way Haldir was still stroking his hair as if he were an upset child. "If he were to send me away... Without him, I would surely die," he admitted in a thin whisper. "Is that what makes Ellonúr think that he is wrong for me? I cannot help it; I am his, and I can imagine no other way of being anymore."

Haldir sighed. "What Ellonúr said - I think he felt that it needed to be said to your Lord by someone. Of course, what he did not know was that I have asked your Lord much the same questions, and I dare say that my Lord Celeborn did likewise. Not because we do not think you worthy of him," he hastened to add when the youth stiffened in his arms, "but because such a proposal should not be done thoughtlessly. And if your Lord had not known how to deal with those questions, then certainly he should not even think about marrying you."

"I do not like to see him questioned or accused because of me," Legolas said, and Haldir sighed.

“Leave it to Glorfindel to deal with that. I mean it, Legolas. If you truly want to be his, then do not fear what others might tell him; trust in what he has promised you."

"I do trust him!" Legolas insisted. "I trust him more than anyone else."

"Then do not let what others think of your relationship trouble you. This is something that is between you and Glorfindel, and ultimately, anyone who did not protest at how you were treated a year ago has no right to protest now, when he treats you the way he should have from the beginning on."

Legolas swallowed, remembering what it had been like. "You approved too, back then..."

"Indeed, and that probably makes me a hypocrite now. Fortunately, I have never cared what others think of me. And I could see from the start what drew him to you. Your Lord and I have similar tastes... It might have been wrong, but it is truly irresistible to see such innocence and not want to bend it to your will. I could see how easy it would be, the way you reacted to him, to me too, to anyone who held authority over you and was not afraid to use it. You were afraid, yes, but ahh... that sensuality of your response to his touch... It was obvious from the beginning that you needed his mastery over you. It was wrong how it was done, yes - and still, I cannot help but enjoy the way he made you his. "

Legolas blushed again at the intensity of Haldir's gaze that seemed to strip away all the layers of his self to see the truth at the core of him, that part of him that could not help but react to his Lord's dominance with breathless devotion and submission.

"I love him! And what Ellonúr fears will never come true; I will never hate my Lord! What he did, I..." He helplessly shook his head. "I cannot forgive, I cannot... I cannot bear to think of it, not yet; but despite all of that, I love him, I need him! He is everything!"

"Your Lord knows that," Haldir murmured. "I am more than certain of that. Your devotion pleases him greatly. That is what he needs. You are both what the other needs - Ellonúr cannot change any of that. He is deeply troubled himself and feels that his friend has betrayed him, but I do not think he hates you. Maybe it is jealousy, for you gave Glorfindel what he could not. Despite your youth and inexperience, you found a way to a part of your Lord's heart that was never Ellonúr's to know. Yet I think that in time, he will see that it is for the best. He and Glorfindel - if you had known them, you would never be jealous of him. What they had was friendship, and pleasure, also affection, yes - but none of the love that is between you."

Legolas smiled. "It is strange to hear you talk so about love..."

"Because I ridiculed you for it earlier? Mmh, I apologized for that, did I not? I meant little of what I said; I did not truly know you then, and I said what I knew would hurt you. I have... little liking for your father."

"Who is not my father anymore," Legolas interjected softly.

"Indeed, though I did not care at the time. Still, if you can believe it, it was rage and anger that spoke at the time - they blinded me. I have always respected Glorfindel, just as I have always respected his playthings." Haldir's lips quirked. "Unless he did not want me to respect them. Be that as it may, when I saw your brother's guards lift a knife against you..."

Haldir fell silent for a moment and Legolas shuddered, remembering his fear, and how it had felt to think that he would die, and never see his Lord and his child again.

"I thought they would kill you," Haldir said roughly. "That was what truly opened my eyes. I imagined myself carrying your lifeless body back to your Lord, and I saw the light in his eyes die. Your death would have been his death as well; I knew that then. They say that he has a fate still to fulfill on these shores, but there was a great certainty in me that were you to be killed, he would take your son and sail, and abandon us to our doom on these hither shores."

"But you saved me," Legolas said softly, and Haldir smiled.

"Who knows if they would have truly murdered you there, where everyone could see - but they were out to harm you, that much was obvious, and I doubt that they would have ceased after cutting your hair. There was a dark rage within them, which I fear I know only too well."

Both thought of the duel, and Legolas flushed with the remembered shame at being beaten so severely in front of so many.

"But you did save me, in the end," he insisted. "Just as Rúmil saved me, then."

"My brother never hated as I did. Ah, and will he not be pleased to know that your endearing innocence even managed to turn my blackened heart?"

Legolas laughed despite himself at Haldir's melodrama. "Your heart is not blackened," he scoffed. "Maybe a little sooty - all it needs is someone to polish it."

They both laughed. "I think that is taking the metaphors too far," Haldir said and gave him a somewhat wicked smile. "Though I suppose I can ask Ellonúr if he wants to polish my... heart."

"You are not going to hurt him, are you?" Legolas blurted out, then winced, realizing that it was probably not a good idea at all to question Haldir while under the influence of too much sweet mead. "I am sorry, I know that it should not be my concern."

"But I am going to hurt him," Haldir said suggestively. "Of course I am! That is what I do, after all, and you know that well, do you not? Just as your own Lord hurts you..."

Legolas blushed with mortification and found that he knew not what to say to that because it was, after all, the truth.

"Did you not thank me for the parcel I picked out for you? Much of the contents will indeed hurt, as you will have found out by now. And in Glorfindel's hands, I am sure that they will hurt in just the right way..."

Legolas took a deep breath when he remembered the clamps Glorfindel had put onto his body, pinching his nipples until the pain mingled with the pleasure of being used by his Lord so that he almost fainted from the ecstasy of being owned so completely.

"I see you know exactly what I mean," Haldir breathed into his ear. "Do you truly fear I would harm him?"

Legolas swallowed nervously. "No, not truly... But... Celeborn seemed worried for him..."

"Hah!" Haldir exclaimed. "He is my Lord whom I have sworn to serve, but he has no rights to rule over what goes on in my bedchamber. And it is not for him to judge what I do or not do with someone who comes to me freely. But let us not talk of what my Lord thinks... What do you think? You do, after all, crave much the same as Ellonúr does, and are thus in a much better position to judge me than my Lord, if I have to be judged at all."

Legolas swallowed nervously. He wanted to protest at being compared to Ellonúr - certainly they were not similar at all? He would never beg his Lord for a whipping! But he remembered how it felt to have his Lord's magnificent, strong body hold him down, how it felt to know that even if he wanted, he could not force his Lord to stop, that he was indeed completely owned...

Maybe he wanted that. Not to be whipped, but to be owned, to be held, to be secure... And if that meant punishment for misbehavior, then yes, he would take that too, for he wanted nothing more than to please Glorfindel, who was indeed Lord of his body and soul both.

"I do not think that I am like him, not quite, but... But I admit that there might be a few similarities," he said hesitantly. "I do not truly understand what Ellonúr wants, though I think that in the end, he might crave the same security as I do, the knowledge that someone cares for you, will look after you, will even..." He faltered, then forced himself to go on. "Will even discipline you to help you. My Lord makes me feel safe... I think Ellonúr wants someone to help him feel safe again as well."

Haldir gave him an intent look, all traces of humor gone from his face. "And do you think I can give him that? Or do you think, like your Lord and mine, that I shall let my own needs overrule my mind and use my power over him to break him, instead of healing him?"

"No," Legolas breathed, remembering how Haldir had come to his rescue, how he had held him in his arms afterward, how indeed he had stolen a kiss later on... Yes, there had been that - but no more than that. Despite all of his bluster, Haldir had proven to be a good protector, and if he liked to tease and torment, Legolas thought that Ellonúr might just enjoy that, just as he himself invariably wound up finding pleasure in his own Lord's games, after all.

"No," he said more firmly, meeting Haldir's eyes. "There is kindness in you, and... and honor. I have experienced it myself. I think Ellonúr can trust you. You have no reason to hate him, like you felt hate for me at first, and although I still think that you are somewhat frightening, Ellonúr is much older and more experienced than I. They say he is a great warrior, and Lord Elrond's advisor; he would not allow you to bully him. You might not love him, but I think you care for him enough to truly want to help him."

"Frightening, hm?" Haldir chuckled, then gave Legolas a look free from all artfulness. "There is truth in what you say. He is much older and more experienced than you indeed, yet I fear that even so, there can be wounds so deep that despite all experience, we crave that which is harmful to us. Ellonúr feels great pain and betrayal, he feels helpless, for he cannot change what was done to him. I will make him helpless and vulnerable too, but he will learn to trust in me, and find the security he needs, just as you find it in your Lord's arms. I do indeed care for him, and I shall not harm him."

Legolas sighed deeply and once again leaned into Haldir's embrace, trustingly curled against his side with his head on his shoulder, feeling drowsy from the mead. "I do believe you," he said, and there was no doubt in his voice anymore.

In The Forest

2009-12-01T14:30:58Z

More NSFW Glorfindel/Legolas porn.

Because Legolas needs fresh air and exercise, and Glorfindel always sees to his needs...... ;)

esteliel @ 2009-11-28T20:31:00

2009-11-28T19:32:56Z

If you, like me, love mulled wine, especially the home made variety, but still keep a bottle of store-bought not-so-nice stuff around for those times when you come in half-frozen from the cold and don't feel like going to all that effort when you want just one cup of mulled wine, and you want it quickly...

Then I have the perfect solution for you. Mulled wine syrup! I just made a big bottle of it, and I really have to force myself to stay away from it or else I won't get any writing done this evening.

It is pretty simple: you need one bottle of a fruit juice which will go well with wine. I wanted to buy black currant juice, but they only had stuff that was made from concentrate, and I really wanted 100% fruit juice, so I took a bottle of red grape juice instead. Also, I took juice that came in a glass bottle, so I had somewhere to store the syrup in later.

All you then need is the spices you usually put into mulled wine. I took 6 star anise, 6 cloves, 4 cinnamon sticks, 1 vanilla bean and some ground cardamom, and also 2 organic oranges (you use the peel, so you want them to be free from pesticides and wax).

Thinly peel the oranges (you want as little as possible of the white stuff on it, as that will make the syrup bitter) and put the orange zest together with all the spices and the juice into a pot. Squeeze the juice from the peeled oranges into the pot as well. Heat it and let it simmer for at least half an hour, then pour it through a sieve to get rid of all the spices and pour the juice back into the pot. Add sugar (you will want at last half as much sugar as you have juice left) and bring it to a boil again, stir until the sugar is completely dissolved. Wash the juice bottle with hot water, and then pour the syrup in.

You now have a really delicious mulled wine syrup, and if you next feel like some mulled wine, all you need to do is pour yourself a cup of wine, put it into the microwave and then add a bit of the syrup.

esteliel @ 2009-11-26T13:33:00

2009-11-26T12:35:43Z

Back from the dentist, with the root canal treatment finished at last. It took another half hour with my mouth wide open, but it was not as uncomfortable as the last time. He took another x-ray at the end and seemed very happy with it, and from my layman's understanding the tooth looked very well filled on the x-ray, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will keep quiet from now on. And because my dentist loves me so much and can't bear to part with me for long, I got ordered to make another appointment in February, but only for some cleaning.

I'm so glad to have this over with at last. :) To distract myself I spent yesterday evening doing yet another Poser picture. It worked pretty well as distraction, but then, Legolas always does... ;)

Btw, I'm posting all my pictures here at y!Gallery, though I think you might have to be logged in to see them.

Riding - NSFW!

2009-11-25T21:15:40Z

So I found this Poser prop called posable splooge - I guess you know where this leads.

I wonder if Legolas had permission to come? ;)

Dancing For His Lord

2009-11-23T16:33:58Z

I prettied up Legolas' hair a bit in Photoshop this time. :)

I also haven't written a single word yet, ahem. No more Poser until I've written my quota for the day!

esteliel @ 2009-11-22T22:07:00

2009-11-22T23:31:29Z

I wrote 1000 words today, which is something at least. But I also spent the last few hours fiddling with Poser, and now have a picture I'm very proud of - which I'm not going to show here, as I have plans for my Christmas cards this year. ;)

But I think I never posted the last batch of pictures from when I finished the Poser master course, so here are a few more:

Actually, I was just having so much fun with Glorfindel and Legolas that I did another picture of them with one of the M4/D3 poses I bought some time ago.

NOT safe for work.

esteliel @ 2009-11-22T12:03:00

2009-11-22T11:31:44Z

I should be at 11 000 words today... But of course I'm not. I couldn't make myself write anything on Thursday and Friday, and then yesterday, as I had just got the HP6 DVD, I went to visit my brother and the kitties and watched the movie with him, my other brother and H.

I'm starting to realize the fault of my little writing challenge. I should have made it 'Write 500 words on 6 days of the week', as there is always going to be a day every now and then where I do not even feel like spending 15 minutes on Write Or Die. This way, I just feel so much worse if I didn't do my daily 500, and the prospect of having to do 1000 words on the next day makes me want to write even less.

Today I'd like to write at least 1000 words, do the first lesson of the last Poser course before they throw me out for being lazy, and start editing my rough draft of CE 69.

9081 / 15000 words. 61% done!

esteliel @ 2009-11-19T20:25:00

2009-11-19T19:25:38Z

Happy Belated Birthday nierielraina
&
Happy Birthday lintalome!

I hope you both had/are still having a great day! :)

I'm 400 words behind on my writing goal for today, but I'll just have to make up for it tomorrow. I'm really tired. I think I might go to bed and watch Popstars with my netbook on my lap.

I also couldn't resist when I went shopping and bought a milk bath with fig extract, as well as a sachet of little golden pearls with orange and almond oil and vanilla, which gives your skin a golden shimmer. ~~Now I know Glorfindel's secret...~~ I suppose I had better save that for an occasion like Christmas, or else people are going to think I'm one of those sparkly vampires.

FIC: Cuil Eden 68/?

2009-11-16T23:00:22Z

And it's finally time to reap the fruits of my strict writing regime. (Yes, I know it's what other people pound out during one week-end... Just humor me. ;))

Title: Cuil Eden
Part: 68/?
Rating: PG-13
Series: Sequel to Anestel and Ethuil'waew
Pairing: Glorfindel/Legolas
Warnings: mpreg, bdsm
Disclaimer: The elves belong to Tolkien, the situations are mine.
Lots of thanks to my beta for her hard work!

68

Legolas swallowed when he saw that Ellonúr had accompanied Haldir. He remembered only too well how Ellonúr had treated him in Imladris – and how badly he himself had dealt with the situation then. But it was so hard to look at him and know that at one time, Ellonúr had been his Lord's lover, had known that wondrous body just as well as he did, especially as Legolas could not help but feel that Ellonúr was his better in absolutely every regard.

And yet Glorfindel had chosen to wed him, not Ellonúr... That knowledge should help, and it did, and yet Legolas could not help but feel jealousy when he looked at the slim warrior who had once held that which was now the most important thing in the world to Legolas – his Lord's heart.

“Haldir, Ellonúr... Did Celeborn send you to retrieve us? I swear that we did not plan to abscond from our own bethrothal feast; we merely wished for a few moments of privacy.” Glorfindel smiled in welcome, though he kept his arm on Legolas' shoulder to hold him close. “Will you share a glass of wine with us when we return? I fear that we have finished the mead we brought.”

Legolas felt a smile tug at his lips at the barrage of words, realizing that his Lord was neither drunk, nor was he trying to divert their attention – Glorfindel was simply happy, in a way that Legolas had never experienced him before, and wanted to share his joy with his friends. Legolas pressed himself closer in wordless love and resolved to prove worthy of his Lord by overcoming this unbecoming jealousy of his Lord's erstwhile lover.

Being jealous of Ellonúr meant doubting his Lord – and how could he do that? So he forced himself to smile at them, which truly was not so hard on this joyous day, and silently begged the Valar to not let Ellonúr pick on him on this of all days.

“Some wine, and then my dance, I hope?” Haldir asked, looking at Legolas with a raised brow as if he doubted the youth's ability to make good on his promise after all the mead he had been plied with.

“Of course; I would not break a promise.”

“And I shall watch you closely, Haldir...” Glorfindel threatened so that Haldir laughed and raised his hands.

“Just a dance, I swear; I shall not ask for a lock of his fair hair, nor for a kiss.”

“I should hope not,” Ellonúr said dryly. “In any case, my congratulations on your betrothal, Glorfindel. I had not thought that I would ever see that day arrive... But I truly hope that you will find all you have ever hoped for.”

Legolas wondered at Ellonúr's tone. He seemed completely unaffected by his former lover's betrothal, and yet there was some emotion in his voice which Legolas could not place.

“Before we return and Haldir claims his dance, might I have a moment of your time? Alone,” Ellonúr added without looking at Legolas, who hoped that no one would see him pale at that ominous demand. There was truly only one reason why Ellonúr might want to talk to Glorfindel without his presence, and that would be to talk about him...

Glorfindel hesitated and turned to Legolas, who took his hand and gently pressed it, pretending to be braver than he actually was. “I shall go ahead with Haldir, if he will not mind,” Legolas reassured his Lord.

“Oh, I do not mind at all.” Haldir's self-satisfied smile seemed somewhat threatening to Legolas, but so far, Haldir had not been too terrible... “I shall behave; after all, I still want my dance.”

Glorfindel sighed at Haldir's promise, yet brushed Legolas' lips with a quick kiss before he and Ellonúr took a few steps up the winding stair until they were lost in the darkness beyond the beckoning torchlight.

“Could this not have waited until tomorrow?” Glorfindel asked softly once they had reached the abandoned pavilion he and Legolas had found earlier. “What is it that you want to tell me? We really cannot in good conscience stay away from a celebration in our honor for much longer – nor do I want to!”

Ellonúr was quiet for a moment. “We used to be very close, Glorfindel. Fear not, I want but a short moment of your time. Certainly this conversation will be just as inopportune to you tomorrow.”

“What is it then?” Glorfindel asked without ceremony. “I do not want to leave Legolas with Haldir for too long.”

“That is just it – can you truly not see it? You worry about leaving him alone even for a moment... Why are you so quick about binding your fate to his? He is still little more than a child, after all.”

“He is no child. He has little experience and has not known very much of life, but that has never been a prerequisite for marriage.”

Ellonúr scoffed. “He might be no child, yet he is no adult either.”

“And so? My parents were half his age when they became betrothed. What is it you are really after, Ellonúr? I will tell you this: if he was old enough to abuse, and old enough to bear me a child, then certainly he is also old enough to honor – old enough to love .”

"Love... what does he know of love?" Ellonúr shook his head and held up a hand in response to the flash of anger on Glorfindel's face. "Peace; I do not seek to insult him. But if it is true what you said, that it was abuse... Then how can there be love now? I do not doubt your feelings for him, even though I cannot understand them. Yet I do not see how you can believe that he feels the same for you, if you truly hurt him in such a grievous way. Some things can never be forgiven, my friend... Never. And if Legolas says that he has forgiven you, then I fear that what he feels cannot possibly be true. You know what captivity does to a soul...

"I was a captive too. Do not forget that. I am infinitely more experienced than he, in all aspects of life, of war - and yet even I..." Ellonúr fell silent and slowly shook his head, before continuing more softly. "Sometimes I would be taken from my cell to spend an hour or more in Thranduil's presence. He was very courteous, most of the time. He wanted information, of course, but he also offered me wine, treated me as an equal, would even converse with me on poetry, of all things. I knew what was happening to me, and how, but in the end I thought myself in love with him, and hated myself for it, for I knew that it could not possibly be true. Your little prince has no one in this world save for you now, and if he had not made himself love you, certainly he would have died long since. I am not saying that he is lying, or actively betraying you, but I do think that whatever you believe he feels for you is not something that has grown naturally, but something that has been forced on him by the situation he found himself in.

"I know you for an honorable man, and I know that in the end, you will know this for the truth. And what will happen then? If you have wedded him, recklessly bound your soul to his for all time, then how shall you feel when he realizes what has happened to him, and comes to despise you for it? Or even if he never does; you certainly shall, and it will sour every moment you spend in his company. You know that I speak the truth; you must be able to see this for yourself!"

"It was abuse, yes!" Glorfindel admitted, unable to contain his anger any longer. "For long, long months, it was abuse, and he had no choice but to give in and surrender himself to me in the hope that I would be less cruel with him. I do not deny the truth of your words! But you are wrong if you believe that he has forgiven me. As you so rightly said, such a crime can never be forgiven, nor can it be forgotten. Yet at the same time, what choice have we now but to learn to live with it somehow? Not once has he pretended that he can forgive what I have done, even though I knelt before him in remorse. And he is right - paltry words will never be able to make up for even a tiny amount of the pain I have caused him. No, there is no other way but to live with the memory of my crime, and the hope that centuries of patient loving will heal the wounds that I have recklessly caused, to at last live with the scars that they will certainly leave behind in the end. And do not even dare to suggest that I should send him away to give him the freedom to decide for himself, without my influence. There is no such thing as freedom for him anymore; I bound him to myself as surely as a man who takes a small young animal from the forest and hand-feeds it until it is grown. It will never be able to return to the forest; he will always be responsible for its care. Such it is with Legolas. He is mine, in the truest sense of the word, and it will be my responsibility to protect him for a very long time. Maybe forever - but I find that I do not mind that, not at all."

Ellonúr made a soft sound. "You want to wed him out of pity, that much is obvious to me. Of course what you did was a crime - a terrible one, if what you say is true - and yet... You cannot make up for it by wedding him! Pity cannot turn to love, unless it be self-delusion, and if you wed him now out of pity you will hate him ere the end."

"Are you not listening to me?" Glorfindel was quickly reaching the end of his patience. "I will not wed him out of pity! I will wed him for love! Can you truly not believe that?"

"It is hard to believe, if I look at him, and then remember those who graced your bed before him... He has very little to offer you, save for his youth, his inexperience, his utter dependence on you - all of which are fleeting. And I know you for a noble man, Glorfindel. It is indeed hard for me to believe that you would be drawn to him for such unbecoming reasons... It is beneath you, my friend." Ellonúr's voice had gotten softer and more intense at the end, and he had raised a hand to grasp Glorfindel's shoulder.

"I love him, Ellonúr, truly and deeply." Glorfindel gently took Ellonúr's hand in his and pressed it, then let it go. "You are right, of course; to my shame I must indeed admit that a part of me cannot help but appreciate his innocence, the way he has given himself over to me so completely - but quite apart from that, I love him for who he is. His good qualities are many, though you cannot see them. You do not know him at all, Ellonúr, but I do. I know him better than anyone else in his life, better even than his own father ever knew him. In fact..." Glorfindel hesitated, then a reluctant, soft smile smoothed the hard lines of anger on his face. "In fact, he reminds me of one who has always been an ideal I strove after, though I was always aware that I lacked his patience, his compassion, his wisdom. He reminds me of Felagund, whom I knew very well in my youth."

Ellonúr's eyes widened, and he seemed to waver between curiosity and resentment, for Glorfindel had never told him much of his youth, least of all done so much as hint at a past relationship with famed Finrod.

"Finrod the Wise?" he exclaimed at last, disbelief on his face. "I cannot see any similarity whatsoever, though of course you will have known him much better than I, to whom he is merely a name out of songs. Yet again, I fear that you set yourself up for a great disappointment if you judge the youth against such a lofty ideal..."

"I do not. Already Legolas has shown greater compassion than you or I ever will." Glorfindel smiled at Ellonúr to take the sting out of his words. "In any case, do not let us argue, not on this eve, when I finally dare to believe that I have found happiness at last. You seek a proof that my love for him is true, and not merely base lust or possessiveness, or worse, pity? Then look at me, my friend. Look into my eyes, look true, and tell me what you see."

Ellonúr made a scornful sound, yet he did as he was bid, and after a moment, he paled and took a step back. "Impossible!" he breathed. "Impossible! How can this be? How could I not see this? Ai, you fool, do you know what you have done?"

Glorfindel laughed. "I have done nothing. My soul knows his, Ellonúr... I am his, and he is mine. I could know no greater joy!"

"I see him in your eyes..."

"As I see myself in his. Already our fëar are as one, and the oaths we shall take will be but a public acknowledgment of that. Do you still doubt my love for him?"

Ellonúr shook his head, looking pale and discomfited at this sudden turn. "I think that I do not know you at all, Glorfindel," he said softly. "I never harbored any pretensions when it came to your heart; we were friends, and I was well content with that. Yet since I have returned... You have changed. You have changed a great deal, and I no longer know who you are. Are you even still my friend? I fear not. I do not know this person you have become, and I do not like what I see. 'Tis not jealousy that I speak from; as I said, I was content with your friendship. I did not need your love. Yet to see you obsess about that youth to such a point that you would forget about everything and everyone else... I was in need of you, and you did not help me. Never before have I known you to disappoint a friend in need."

Glorfindel's mouth tightened at the bitterness in Ellonúr's voice. "I have changed, yes. Yet that is not because I took Legolas to my bed, nor because I opened my heart to him at last. I am a father, Ellonúr," he said simply. "I have become a father since last you saw me; of course I have changed! Long have I desired children of my own, yet the reality of it is even more... overwhelming than I expected. I think of Gîl all the time. He is my greatest joy, his well-being my greatest duty - can you not see that it must be so, that he must be the most important thing in my life from now on? I have changed even as Elrond changed when the twins were born. I cannot be your friend the way I was before, because I have to think of Gîl now - but I would still wish to be your friend. And I would have liked to have helped you, but what you wanted of me was not mine to give anymore. My heart and my love belong to Legolas, and to Gîl..."

"I did not want your heart," Ellonúr interjected. "I wanted but your whip, for even now I think of accursed Thranduil. Legolas is welcome to your heart and he may keep it, if he so desires, but if you truly cherished my friendship, you would not have denied me, not when you knew I needed you!"

"I cannot!" Glorfindel said helplessly. "I do cherish you, I swear that is true, but this one thing I cannot give you anymore."

Ellonúr laughed bitterly. "It matters not. Haldir is more than willing, after all. And yet, it was you that I thought of in my cell when my traitorous heart began to yearn for Thranduil... Proud, noble Glorfindel who would never betray his people - so how could I? Only that, when I returned after my long imprisonment, there you stood before me with your pretty, new plaything and your son, too caught up in your own happiness to care about a former friend's pain."

"Forgive me," Glorfindel said and shook his head, feeling lost and helpless at this despair which he knew he could not heal.

“Some things can never be forgiven,” Ellonúr repeated tonelessly; then he turned and walked away while Glorfindel watched, feeling utterly defeated for the first time in a very long time.

esteliel @ 2009-11-16T19:42:00

2009-11-16T18:46:16Z

*stiffles a giggle*

Sorry for teasing you like this, but... drunk!Haldir? Probably the funniest thing I have ever written.

This is going so well! Only two weeks left now. I know I can do this. :)

8046 / 15000 words. 54% done!

esteliel @ 2009-11-15T01:51:00

2009-11-15T01:00:33Z

OMG I got my Yuletide assignment and it is GREAT! Exactly the story I always wanted to write!

I am so excited! However am I going to be able to sleep now?

OMG how I love Yuletide! ♥ And once this story is finished, there is the mad rush of ficlets for Yuletide Madness...

*squees*

Best Fandom Invention Ever!!

esteliel @ 2009-11-14T14:32:00

2009-11-14T13:37:30Z

\0/ My account at the Archive Of Our Own!

Now all that's left is to upload all my stories... Which might take a while.

I really *really* need to write today. I wrote nothing the day before yesterday... and spent yesterday in bed from noon onwards with a bad belly ache and even a bit of raised temperature. Obviously I ate something which didn't agree with me, but I have no idea what it could have been.

That means that I'm now about 1100 words behind, in addition to today's 500 words. It's time for some serious Write-Or-Die-ing today, and no playing with the AO3. :((

7105 / 15000 words. 47% done!
I should be at 7000 today. *sigh*

ETA: I have written 1694 words today, and am all caught up! I ♥ Write Or Die.

AO3

2009-11-13T22:05:17Z

Open Beta of the Archive Of Our Own starts tomorrow! *celebrates*

Dear Yuletide Writer...

2009-11-12T13:23:58Z

Thank you for signing up for one of my favourite rare fandoms! Yuletide is one of my most-beloved fannish experiences of the year by now, and so most of all I really want you to enjoy the experience as well. :)

Most of what I have requested is slash, but if you can't write that, I would be happy with a gen fic as well, as long as it explores the characters a little. On the other hand, if you really want to write a PWP full of kinky sex, please feel free to, I promise that it is very hard to squick me. ;)

Jacqueline Carey - Kushiel series
If you don't think that you can write my request, or you want some additional ideas, here are some things I like: the Shahrizai arrogance, Imriel as Kushiel's scion and the Shahrizai sense of family, as well as D'Angeline society and the religious background & imagery. I'd also really love to see more of Valerian or Mandrake House... or maybe the goings-on at the Shahrizai family estate?

Carol Berg - Transformation series
Aleksander is a characters I really, really love. Things about him that I love: his temper and unthinking arrogance, the Derzhi pride, Aleksander as shengar, his hair - ohh, and that Derzhi tradition of how those slaves who wash guests' hands at a meal are up for grabs for said guests. ;)
Again, if you don't feel that you can write that temple scene, any Aleksander/Seyonne featuring one of those things above would be wonderful!

Diana Gabaldon - Outlander series
I still can't believe that now we'll have to wait for another few years to see the outcome of Claire and John's wedding, so any kind of story that deals with how the three deal with the situation would be very very welcome. I'm really open to anything here... long talks, a duel, a threesome, whatever you come up with, I'm going to love anything that helps me through the suspense until the next book comes out! ;)

esteliel @ 2009-11-10T14:26:00

2009-11-10T14:31:47Z

I don't know what I would do without Write or Die... I'm seriously contemplating buying the offline edition, for the case that the online version vanishes one day, because I know that I never would have managed to keep up even with so tiny a goal as 500 words/day without it forcing me to concentrate on writing.

One third of the month done. Now if I could just keep Haldir from flirting with Legolas so I can actually have the plot advance... ;)

5125 / 15000 words. 34% done!

esteliel @ 2009-11-08T17:40:00

2009-11-08T18:12:28Z

This is what I mean when I say that all it really takes is to concentrate for a few minutes every day... I'm going to do that every day this month even if it kills me.

4118 / 15000 words. 27% done!

2891 words of that are CE, by the way. :)

Yuletide!

2009-11-05T14:43:35Z

YULETIDE SIGN-UPS ARE OPEN!!! *squees*

My little writing challenge is still working well. I wrote a little less yesterday than I should have, but as I usually wrote more than I needed to those first few days, I'm still ahead. Of course, my secret hope is that I will not only manage to keep this up all through November, but that I might go on writing a little every day afterwards.

Now I have an hour left until I need to go to the dentist, which will hopefully go well enough to leave me the energy to bake more Stollen this evening and work on the RP. :)

2625 / 15000 words. 18% done!

esteliel @ 2009-11-04T12:25:00

2009-11-04T12:31:47Z

I just saw that I have another date with my dentist tomorrow to continue with the root canal. He said something about 'electronic' measuring of the exact length of the canals. Not that I'm worried about pain as there can't be anything left of the nerve now, but I hope it's not going to be uncomfortable.

I also have my additional dental add-on to my health insurance from this month on, which will probably mean that I won't have any teeth-related problems for the next few years... I wouldn't mind that though, even if it meant paying 10€/month for nothing.

Getting back to the most important topic: I did my 567 words of CE yesterday. And I did it in addition to the RP post of almost 1400 words, which I'm not going to count as I really want to force myself to write those 14 000 words of Cuil Eden this month. Still, writing-wise, it was a very good day yesterday. :)

1799 / 15000 words. 12% done!

Now let's see about today's 500 words...